General updates and miscellaneous thoughts

I've been struggling to make myself do anything (as is traditional, it seems), but I managed to make some progress on ⛓ LIGeR today, I started the ⛓ spec docs in fact!

Overall, I've been feeling... blank. Indecisive? Volatile... not sure what word to use to describe it best. Either way, it's particularly hard to word myself correctly and to keep myself... stable, whatever that may entail.

Going to sleep late might have something to do with it... I'll try to fix that, but you know how it is with me and willpower, snrrk. Either way, things aren't as bad as they could be, but they sure could be better. Even wording this very blogpost is unusually difficult. I feel like I don't sound like myself. :(

Tsk, I've been quiet... my apologies.

All is mostly well. I've been caught between being completely unproductive, and working on ⛓ LIGeR, but at least I've been mostly in good health and the weather has been amicable also.

Oh, I had some surgery today. Nothing major, just had a spot removed from my skin. It's nothing alarming, but it's better to take care of it early as per my dermatologist's recommendation, rather than risk it. I'll know more in a couple of weeks when the histopathology comes back.

As per the previous update, I've been trying to focus a little more on "my own stuff", whatever that may be.

As I wrote in today's ⛓ website update, I made the paging system... which, again, took all day. But that's okay! It was quite fun and I feel fulfilled.

Next order of business, I'll type up a post about the software thing I have on mind... or do some work on it, and update then. Either way! Things are okay.

Lately, I've been thinking about things

About life, about the things I do, the things I want...

About why those are, too

And, well... I did some reading, heard various perspectives, and they got me thinking.

Often, I find myself directionless without an external stimulus — not knowing what to occupy myself with.

I think this is understandable during the schoolyear, with me being busy and all, but... even in my downtime? During the summer? There must be more than... this. This... malaise that I find myself drowning in every time I don't have my hands full of work.

Another phenomenon that I noticed is that something similar is true of my desires, my beliefs... or, I suppose, that might be the same thing: what I want to do and what I want [sic] are often one and the same. Either way.

I haven't been talking online as much lately...

I haven't felt like I wanted to talk much at all

And as such... I've been able to slowly tune those things back in: my desires, my wants. Not fully... I'm struggling to see them in their entirety. Things damp and rotten will inevitably spark less, of course.

Still... at the same time, I've been feeling this... riptide, this opposing current of "wasting my time", of "wanting" things that I'm "supposed" to want, that other people want. It's hard to tell the difference between the two...

Still, I am trying. As hard as it is.

I don't need to buy things to be happy.

I don't need to please other people to be happy.

I don't need to stick to plans set out to me by others to be happy.

The only way to achieve peace, for me at least... is to turn everything else down and look inward. Focus. Think about what I'm truly yearning for.

That is the only way in which I can fan up the flames within my soul for it to shine brightly once again. To look at the world with the conviction and certainty of the person I was as a child. With respect and kindness for others, with a willingness to change, always... but with truth in myself only.

Introspection

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"There are the voices which we hear in solitude, but they grow faint and inaudible as we enter into the world."

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I'm so tired. Yesterday was such a long day! I left in the morning and came back past 2300... but at least what I was doing — arranging the sale of my car — went well. It's all done now, though, so I can relax again.

I think that today I'm going to try to draw a little bit, maybe something fun will come to mind. I still have that design for my friend to do... either way, I want to take it easy today.

Has this just turned into a diary? Not that I mind... at least for the time being!