The things we leave behind
Lately, I've been thinking about things
About life, about the things I do, the things I want...
About why those are, too
And, well... I did some reading, heard various perspectives, and they got me thinking.
Often, I find myself directionless without an external stimulus — not knowing what to occupy myself with.
I think this is understandable during the schoolyear, with me being busy and all, but... even in my downtime? During the summer? There must be more than... this. This... malaise that I find myself drowning in every time I don't have my hands full of work.
Another phenomenon that I noticed is that something similar is true of my desires, my beliefs... or, I suppose, that might be the same thing: what I want to do and what I want [sic] are often one and the same. Either way.
I haven't been talking online as much lately...
I haven't felt like I wanted to talk much at all
And as such... I've been able to slowly tune those things back in: my desires, my wants. Not fully... I'm struggling to see them in their entirety. Things damp and rotten will inevitably spark less, of course.
Still... at the same time, I've been feeling this... riptide, this opposing current of "wasting my time", of "wanting" things that I'm "supposed" to want, that other people want. It's hard to tell the difference between the two...
Still, I am trying. As hard as it is.
I don't need to buy things to be happy.
I don't need to please other people to be happy.
I don't need to stick to plans set out to me by others to be happy.
The only way to achieve peace, for me at least... is to turn everything else down and look inward. Focus. Think about what I'm truly yearning for.
That is the only way in which I can fan up the flames within my soul for it to shine brightly once again. To look at the world with the conviction and certainty of the person I was as a child. With respect and kindness for others, with a willingness to change, always... but with truth in myself only.
"There are the voices which we hear in solitude, but they grow faint and inaudible as we enter into the world."
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson
